Breathe

This is really nice, I enjoy the flow of this particular piece, because it just has a constant rhythm to it, and the picture you created was very envisioning.
I especially like the alliterations in this, I feel that played quite a role for the impact in this poem as well as the effective tone created with caesura (or the break/pause), really nice job on adding dramatic-ness <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Smile)" />.
You have very admirable writing skills, I'm amazed, really. You have an incredible ability to make transitions happen/work.

The first four stanzas are really powerful, conveying a lot of sensory details and feelings, but I feel that the poem could have had a more powerful and effective closure not that I'm saying it's bad per say, but when the stanza before, you explain things like his breathing beginning to settle, and the liquid escaping his insides and that it's flowing...

Now that I read it however, it seems to me that the last stanza could be more effective if you had it slowly come in, rather than stagnant and almost abruptly (unless you wanted it to be like that. Then I understand completely.) Or you could have put His breathing began to settle right before the last stanza.

I'm also a bit nit picky, I think, but the way you suddenly used it is his body, made it kind of ...eh, for me, but perhaps it was for rhythmic reasons why you suddenly consulted with that rather than it's his body.

Other than that, I think that this poem, is by any means, superb! Again, you have great writing talent, and it's really good that you have that since you want to create 3 dimensional characters, and you do it quite well, and through this poem I can just sense/feel that the character is going through a lot, from the words you used, through the formatting, all excellent.

Keep up the fantastic work my friend! Your a tremendously great writer!