My Best Friend - NikNack Ch. 6 End

November 14th, 2008
It started off innocent enough, didn't it?

She doesn't look at me. She won't make eye contact and she holds her breath and glares when I walk past her. It's like she's a different person. Or even like she's pretending to be a different person, so I'll stop trying to approach her and apologize.

And yet it ends so badly.

Nikki and I still talk. We talk because we only have each other to talk to about this. No one else knows what happened, and we won't tell. Casey won't either. I know she won't. She never liked drama, just like Nikki and I don't. The "trio of epicness" doesn't promote drama, and it's for the best.

But even now as I sit stiffly beside Nikki in class and we talk at a whisper, my mind is racing and clawing, and screeching loudly in confusion as I try to push all the feelings back. All the feelings I have for her need to be pushed aside for now, but they won't budge. They sit like heavy weights at the back of my skull and they know they aren't going anywhere. They're cozying up and melting into my brain and trying to take control—no, they have control; they've had control for awhile now and they make sure to pound it into my mindset, one feeling at a time.

I've had practice though. I've dealt with these feelings for almost two years now, and even though all the mental pain is turned into physical pain and the aching is almost unbearable, I kept it a secret. I kept all of it a secret for so long—too long from my best friend.

At first I wondered why all those feelings didn't just disappear after a couple weeks, or maybe even a couple months, but then I realized it wasn't because it was some stupid crush. Sure, I forced them out of my head for a little while, but it didn't do any good though. It just made things worse if anything.

And now she knows. She knows all about it, and it turns out she felt the same exact way. We were both too afraid to tell each other, and Nikki was already in a relationship at the time. We messed up. Both of us did. And I dragged Casey along with us.

"How are we going to apologize to her?" Nikki is quiet, she's hushed, and she's scared.

Yeah, how are we going to apologize to her, Jack?

"Nikki, I don't know." I stare at her in the dark of the classroom, and moving pictures flicker in her eyes; our history class is watching some kind of documentary on some war from some land, and some people are disagreeing on whatever it is they're disagreeing on, just like every other stupid person involved in something as stupid as this. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

A gunshot from the screen makes everyone jolt in their seats, even the kids who were dozing off and skipping out on their note taking. Take notes, Mr. Goldsmith always says, we'll be taking a quiz over this video. But we never do. We never have, and I don't think we ever will.

Okay, documentary, we know that history repeats itself; I can't hear Nikki. Be quiet.

History repeats itself.

My eyes wander to the screen and I watch as soldiers scramble across the field to avoid heavy fire, and some of them are pelted. It's all a reenactment, a little cheesy too, but it makes me wonder though. No, it makes me think about how stupid people are, and how stupid people think other people are stupid. Everyone's stupid, Jack. Especially you; you're the stupidest—hands down. You're a jerk. You're a douche. What kind of asshole would do what you did?  

How many people have done what I have done? And how many people will continue doing it?  

Beside me, Nikki's lips move with soft words, but all I hear are the gunshots.

November 20th, 2008
I'm tapping the end of my pencil against my desk quickly and a bit loudly as if I'm trying to catch her attention from across the room. She doesn't budge though, and I wonder if she knows that's what I'm subconsciously doing. If this whole thing hadn't happened, I think that she would be tapping her pencil back, almost like we were communicating through Morse code, even though neither of us knows any of it. Just the fact that we were acknowledging each other would be more than enough.  

Several people in my class turn in their seats and tell me to stop tapping my pencil, please, it's annoying.

But she doesn't. She still doesn't move, and she sits stiffly in her chair.

I tap the end of my pencil louder and louder against my desk, and people let out irritated groans as they work on their homework or whatever the hell it is we're supposed to be working on, but dear god she won't move and at least glance in my direction and tell me, "Stop it, Jack. Stop tapping your pencil, that's really irritating. A raven is in no way, shape, or form like a writing desk, so stop tapping your pencil against the damn thing. Just stop."

Casey, just look at me. Glare at me, yell at me, hate me, just please let me know that I still exist. Let me know that I'm at least a person in your eyes—a low, disgusting, idiotic, betraying person that—

"Mr. Moore."

My pencil slips out of the space between my index finger and thumb; it hits the floor and skitters across the room. I slowly and reluctantly lift my head and stare up at my teacher who is in no way amused. He twists his mouth to the side, eyes me, and then at my misplaced pencil.

"Let's try not to distract everyone else, okay? I'm sure you didn't mean to."

Oh, but I did. I really did. I'm desperate and utterly pathetic.

But she still didn't look at me.

December 1st, 2008
It's freezing out, but there's no snow. Not yet. Everything outside is dead though, but not half as dead as I feel knowing how much of a coward I am. I hate myself; I hate myself for morphing and crushing and forcing her into being this completely different girl, and I hate myself for stabbing all of the trust she gave me straight into her back.  

My head rears back and I fall forward onto the frozen ground. I exhale and my breath hisses through my clenched teeth. Pain surges through the back of my skull and it takes me a minute to realize something hit me.

One bright blue Converse sits on its side beside me. The laces are undone and there's a bright yellow smiley face sticker stuck to the sole of the shoe that's begging to be peeled off. It stares at me with its black lifeless eyes and its big, stupid goofy smile that reminds me too much of my own—a broken smile that's been neglected and deserves to be neglected until everything is fixed.  

Carefully, I start getting back up to my feet and reach down for the shoe.

"Jack."

I stop; my fingers twitch and won't reach. I'm stuck there and I won't look at her. Her voice is stern and taut and I know she won't break. This time she's focused and she's angry, so she will not break—not this time.

But you will, Jack.

My head turns to look over my shoulder, but my body doesn't move. Casey stands there holding up her other shoe in a throwing stance, and both of her brightly socked feet are easy to spot on the cold ground.

You will break over and over again, Jack.

Now my temples pound as I stare at her and feel the bump on the back of my head start to swell in the malformed shape of the bottom of a shoe—her shoe.  

You will break until you've fixed this.

There is no laughter, no joking (How is a raven like a writing desk?), no rambling on about what we would do if we were stranded on a deserted island—she's serious. And dear god, she's intimidating when she's pissed off. Maybe not as intimidating as my sister when she's pissed off, but I've never even seen Casey angry, let alone intimidating.  

And even after you've fixed this, you will continue breaking.

"Casey," my voice is soft, "I didn't ever mean to—"

"Don't, please don't. I'm supposed to be angry but," she shakes her head and swallows hard, "dear freaking god I don't want to be angry."

I bite the inside of my cheek and try to hold my words back. "Then don't be."

She stares, and she grips her shoe firmly, like she might the handle of a gun. "I can't. I don't even know how I—how I'm even looking at you right now."

Casey says that she is, but her eyes are averted. She isn't looking straight at me, but past me, towards the wall—our haven, the hideout. Everything else besides me is fine to look at.  

Above us, the sky is overcast and I tilt my head back a little so I can stare. I'm not sure how I can bear to look at her too after what I've done.

"Something like this was bound to happen to me, huh?" Now her hand that is holding the shoe is trembling a little.

No, Casey. Something like this wasn't bound to happen to you. I'm just an idiot, and just like you told me, I should have told you no. I never should have let my feelings wander and grab hold of you when I couldn't have Nikki. That wasn't fair for you, not in the slightest.

I swallow hard, and I watch as the clouds shift. My lips don't move, and I don't make a sound.

"I just don't understand you, Jack!"

And I don't expect you to. I'm a coward.

She takes in a deep channel of air and she holds it for a few moments before speaking again. "Why would you ever waste your time on something that never meant anything to you? You could have been all, 'Oh, Casey, I'm sorry. I see you more as a friend.'"

I slowly shake my head and she frowns a little. "Jack, just say something."

"Casey," it's a pathetic whisper, "I'm sorry."

From the corner of my eye I see her force a smile and it sounds like her throat constricts. "Do you even know how much this hurts right now? I don't want to sound like one of those girls from those stupid teen drama shows, but," she chews on her lower lip a little, "now I understand why they bitch so much about guys breaking their hearts. It sucks."

My stomach churns, the pressure in my chest builds, and I let myself wince. I wince wholeheartedly at the sky because it's the one thing I know we still share. I squeeze my fist at my side fitfully and so regrettably when I refuse to look at her.

Her face hardens and her voice rises. "Jack, no one wants to be the pity date!"

You weren't a pity date. I swear to god you weren't.

"And no one wants to be cheated on. That's freaking worse than being single and you know it."

Just hit me, please. Casey, just throw the other shoe at my face. Get it over with, okay? If it makes you feel better I'm all for it. Honestly, I don't care what you need to do to feel better because I don't know how to do it myself; my apologies aren't good enough, you've proved that to me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Casey. The more I apologize the more it probably means nothing to you.

"I miss it, you know?"

Miss what?

"I miss being friends, but I still kind of love y—"

She stops midsentence. My eyes slowly wander over to her and I see that her face has drawn a blank, she's unsure, and her normally stark blue eyes are dark and lost, like they're drowning in the gray liquid of sky above us. She stares at nothing with those eyes. She always stares at nothing when she's in thought, in her own little world, and I know that she's trying to interpret what she was about to say: that she still kind of loves me.

No, Casey, you don't love me. I think you love the concept of loving someone. Or you just love knowing that someone might feel the same about you too. And someone out there will feel the same about you.

Her face crumples up and she muffles a short scream of distress like she couldn't even believe she'd actually consider loving me. Casey's arm swings back and before I can flinch, her left shoe hits me; it hits me directly in the face, and deep down I'm glad that it does, even though it hurts like hell.

We both stagger; I go backwards, she goes forwards from the momentum. But as soon as we catch our footing, she takes off. Casey's running away yelling and berating herself and maybe me too, and she leaves me standing there in a complete daze with her shoes and the smiley face sticker that's still smiling that stupid goofy grin at me.

December 2nd, 2008
"She threw her shoes at you?"

I smile very faintly when Nikki reaches up and gently strokes the pale skin around my black eye. She's careful not to touch it and she holds her breath as she stares up at me with a hurt expression.

"Sounds like something she would do, isn't it?" I swallow hard and my smile fades away.

"I . . . guess so." She won't stop staring and she looks really guilty.

The hallway starts to empty as students go to their next class, but we stand stiffly in the hallway, not very eager to go to lunch. How can we be? Casey sits on the other side of the cafeteria with people she normally wouldn't hang out with, even though she pretty much talks to everyone.  Hell, she's sat with my sister at lunch before, and I honestly don't know how she stands it.

"She wouldn't even look at me. I'm surprised she even talked to me. I mean, she was angry, but still. I stood there like an idiot."

Nikki tilts her head a little and her brown eyes soften. "I haven't even seen her, Jack. She doesn't trust me . . . and she's my best friend, but she hates me."  

"Well, she can't hate us . . . forever."

I wouldn't blame you if you did, Casey.

She leans against the lockers and presses the side of her head against them.

"And where . . . does this leave us, Nikki?"

Nikki doesn't stir.

"Nikki?" My voice is strained and I already know what she will say.

Gently, she rubs her arm and stares at the floor. "We can't be together right now. It wouldn't be right, Jack."

I know, I know, but don't say it. Don't say it like that. I know it wouldn't be right. It would be so wrong and ugly. And I don't want it to be that way. If we ever end up together it can't be something like that.

My teeth claw at the inside of my cheek and the heel of my palm presses against my forehead, trying so hard to murder and smash it into my skull. Just below it, my black eye stings and it's hard to see when it's so swollen.

". . . but I do want to be together. It's just now isn't the right time, okay?" She glances up at me, and looks like she tries to offer a small smile, but nothing comes of it. It's just a concerned stare, one a friend would give to another. It's like we're at square one again, only we're both aware of our situation this time, but we don't know how to fix it.

"Yeah, I want to be together too." I feel like an ass for saying it, but I do want to be together. That's all I've wanted.

"We're just going to have to wait then." Gently, she wraps her arms around me and leans against my chest. She's so small and for a moment I admire her and hug back.

I lean down a little so our faces are closer together. "I'll try talking to her again after school."

"Jack," she lifts her head a little and I can feel her breathe against my face, "maybe you should wait a little longer."

"I can't wait anymore. And besides," I gesture to my locker, "I have to give back her shoes."

She glances over at the locker and sighs. "Okay."

---

At the end of the day I find Nikki waiting at her locker for me with her coat and gloves on. Once I gather up my backpack and Casey's shoes I turn to her. "You have to go with me this time."

She shifts uneasily. "I do?"

"Yeah. Nikki, I can't really do this alone . . . and you're sorry too, aren't you?"

"Of course I am."

I smile a little. "Well, come on then."

Nikki adjusts her messenger bag on her shoulder and looks unsure. I don't blame her, but now that I've already been pelted by a pair of shoes I guess I can't really be anymore humiliated and hurt. Unless maybe Casey decides to throw her next pair of shoes at me. And, by all means, she probably should.

She's pacing on the wall and waving her arms around enthusiastically—angrily. It isn't until Nikki and I come closer that we realize she's talking to herself. It brings me back to August when we would talk to each other over the phone. She told me all about how she would have conversations with herself whenever she would have a problem. And, judging by how loudly and angrily she's conversing with herself, it's a big problem. A stupid problem that I caused.

Casey stops immediately when she notices us. Her shoulders slump and she abruptly plops down onto the wall and rests back against it. Only her legs dangle over the edge of the wall and we can't see her face, but I hear her sniffle a little; I'm not sure if she's starting to cry, or if it's because she has a cold—it's freezing out.

I give Nikki a quick look and I easily climb up the wall. I reach over and help her up. We all sit in silence before I look over at Casey, who now has her back turned to us. I guess it's her only defense right now. It's the only thing that's keeping her comfort, not looking at us, I mean. How can she look at us?

"C-Casey, we're sorry—" Nikki exhales and furrows her eyebrows, "No, augh, we've said that like, fifty times already."

Casey doesn't move.

"It's just really really complicated and we didn't mean for you to get caught up in our huge . . . mess." She sighs so wholly and I watch as her breath swirls out of her mouth and disappears.

"What even happened? I thought—" Casey's voice is a little muffled, "—I thought you still liked Drake . . . Nikki, you don't tell me anything anymore." Slowly, very slowly, she sits up and she stares at the side of my face where the bruise isn't visible. "And I guess you never did in the first place, Jack."

I swallow hard and avert my eyes.

"C-Casey, I'm sorry . . . I was in denial with myself, I guess. I really did like Jack, but I was already dating Drake, so," Nikki twiddles her thumbs, "I kept telling myself I didn't like him . . . and then Jack started dating you."

"So this is . . . my fault?" Casey turns to her and bites down on her lip.

"No, Casey, it's not your fault. It's just a . . . yeah, it's a big mess, and I got so jealous of you two. It made me realize how . . . I felt about him." She shakes her head and her hair falls down over her shoulder.

Casey sighs and looks away again. "See, this sucks. This is exactly why I shouldn't be in relationships."

"Hey," Nikki's voice firms a little and she scoots closer to her, "that is absolutely not true. I mean, think about it, Casey . . . this was your first relationship, and the first one usually . . . doesn't turn out too well."

"I know, Nikki, but this was different! He kissed you! My first-ever relationship and my boyfriend ends up loving my best friend."

They sit still for a moment, but they don't look at each other. The only noise that washes over us is the wind, and it whistles a high-pitch screech and makes the bare skeletons of the trees behind us sway dangerously to the left and then to the right. The nippy air makes me want to sway too, sway enough to lean towards Nikki and Casey. I feel like an outsider, even though I know them both so well. But I guess I still don't know them well enough.

"I just wanted to get my first relationship out of the way with a guy that wouldn't care." Casey furrows her eyebrows and frowns at the ground below us. "And then I could have dumped him, no problem when the time came. I wouldn't have cried or anything. Then I could tell people, "Oh, yeah, I've dated before. Kind of sucked, but I know the next one will be better."

I'm pained just listening to her, and the bump on the back of my head is beginning to hurt again.

"But then he—" Casey jabs her thumb in my direction "—came along and ruined it all."

I ruined it all; I ruined everything.

"He was just . . . so much like me. He understood me, Nikki." Her voice is strained, and I wonder if it's hard for her to look at Nikki, just like it's hard for her to look at me. "And I thought that maybe we would work out."

"You said . . . that you wanted to get your first relationship done and over with—" Nikki bites her bottom lip a little, "—and I'm not sure if it works that way, Casey."

"Yeah, well," Casey scoffs a bit, "what do you know?"

"I know that Jack and I have both had girlfriends and boyfriends before. We know that's not how it works." Nikki's voice is soft, and I know she doesn't want to upset Casey. She doesn't want her to react badly.

"Well, if YOU two know so much about relationships you should've just spilled your stupid-ass feelings for each other in the beginning like, like—" Casey's voice is breaking and she glares cold daggers at Nikki and me. "—normal freaking people or something! Isn't that what normal people do? Isn't IT? When you really like someone don't you admit your grossly lovesick feelings for each other? Huh?"

My eyes feel glossy as I sit there and I stare at her dumbly, Nikki just as quiet as I am beside me.

Yes, Casey. That's exactly what you do. Well, more like what most people want to do when they're crushing on someone, but since I was a coward, I didn't. A lot of people aren't like you are, Casey. A lot of people don't have the guts to spill all their feelings for someone else. A lot of people don't allow those feelings to go loose, and let them drench the floor and the whole wide world with a bloody, sickly, infatuation because . . . well because—  

"You were afraid."

Yeah, we were afraid, and still are afraid. We're afraid of how much we've hurt you.

Casey sucks in a sharp breath of air and she slumps down against the wall onto her side and her chest heaves. She heaves air in and air out in short, choppy breaths and Nikki and I listen to her cry.

"C-Casey," I reach over and gently touch her shoulder, "what do I have to do to make you feel better?"

She flinches at my touch and curls up into a ball in her coat.

"W-Would it make you feel better if you threw your shoes at me again? Or, better yet," very quickly, I pry off one of my red Converse and hold it out towards her back, "my shoes? They're a lot bigger, so they would hurt more."

I smile sheepishly, and so hopefully. It might be a pathetic attempt, but I don't know what to do. Sorry just isn't enough.

"Y-You can hit me too, Casey." Nikki rubs her arm uneasily.

Nikki and I watch as she sits up and wipes at her face. She turns around and takes my shoe into her hand and she looks up at me. She actually looks at my face and she sees my black eye and the tiny scrapes and the little purple bruises on my cheek, and for a split second—just a split one—it's like she can feel the pain in the back of my skull because her expression crumples and she squeezes her eyes shut so tightly and slumps forward against my chest and clings. She clings so hard to my coat and she lifts my size fourteen shoe above my head and gently lets it fall against the top of my hair. Then she reaches over and does the same to Nikki.

Hesitantly, I hold her and I let her weep against me until she decides to stop herself. Every once in a while she'll let out a small hiccup here and there and sniffle very softly to herself.

"W-We're so sorry, Casey."

Casey shakes her head against my coat and she manages a small smile. "I-I know, Nikki . . . I-I know you are. A-And I know that I can't stay mad forever, huh?" Slowly, she reaches over and she pulls Nikki into the hug too.

"Well, you could," I gently rub her back, "but I don't think you'd like that very much. It's not really like you, Case . . . and I'm not just saying that to get off the hook with this."

"I know. I know you aren't, Jack."

I don't know how long we all sit there just hugging each other, but all I know is that it's nice to feel like we're all okay again; I know there's still some things that need to be patched up and everything isn't truly fine, but it feels good to know that it can be like that soon.

"Jack?"

"Yeah, Casey?"

"You better not forget this, but," she lifts her head and stares up at me, "you really owe me."

"And what is it exactly that I owe you?"

"I'm not sure yet, but I'll let you know."

I smile a little. "That sounds fair enough."  

"You know what? I'll let you know tomorrow actually." Abruptly, Casey stands up and looks down at us with a small grin. She's grinning through her leftover tears, but she doesn't care.

Nikki smiles back at her. "Hey, I'll call you tonight. We can . . . talk about everything, I swear."

"Fine, fine." Casey starts climbing down the wall.

"Hey," I reach into my backpack and pull out her shoes and hand them to her, "you might want these back."

"Got any blood on them?"

I laugh and scrunch my nose a bit, which hurts my black eye. "No, but one shoe has this creepy smiley face sticker on the bottom of it."

"Does it really?" She laughs too and puts them into her backpack. "Oh, and one more thing. Jack, can you ask her out already? I'm sure it's been killing you forever."

I blink. "Wait, huh?"

"Jack Joseph Allen Moore. Ask. Out. Nikki." She smiles very softly.

"Casey," Nikki slumps her shoulders, "isn't it a bit early to even—"

"I'm telling you you have to do this. You guys owe me."

I swallow hard. "Case, I really don't think—"

"Please." She stares up from the ground below us and her smile is fully intact. It looks like she means it. Casey really does.

Slowly, I turn to look at Nikki. "If this isn't really cheesy and awkward sounding, will you . . . go out with me?"

"She says yes." Casey laughs a little.

"Casey, she didn't say anything yet." I wag my head.

"Um, obviously I can read minds. Durr."

Nikki pauses and she looks up at me.

"Wait," I raise an eyebrow, "so that was a yes?"

Casey makes a face. "Jack, it's not like I can read her mind or something."

"But you just said—"

"Nikki," Casey snorts, "please answer the boy before he explodes."

"Hmm, I don't know . . ."

"NIKKI!"

She laughs at Casey's shout and she bites on her lower lip before she looks up at me. "I'd love to."

"Good because this is going to get all gross and sappy and stuff." Casey smiles and starts backing up. "I'll see you guys tomorrow, okay?"

"Yeah." Nikki and I both nod and let out an exhale. We calmly watch as Casey walks away towards the parking lot, and I wiggle the toes on my shoeless foot to keep them warm. It's like a giant weight was lifted off of our shoulders. Granted, there's still some weight there, but it isn't as heavy. Not even close and we're glad.

"I thought she would have taken that . . . much worse." I say.

Nikki shakes her head. "Give it some time and you'll understand that Casey just . . . works differently than most people do."

"Even when she's upset?"

"I've only really seen her upset twice, and that's counting this entire dilemma." She shrugs a little and smiles.

Even though I experienced this all firsthand I still don't know what to make of it. Any other girl I know would have reacted similarly, but the grudge would have lasted so much longer. And her anger, probably much greater too. And any other girl probably wouldn't want her best friend to date her ex.

Casey is just different, I guess, and I wonder how she does it—how she handles it. Especially because of what I have done. I was her first relationship, her first kiss, and the first one to break her heart. But even after all of that—all of those things she's never experienced before—somehow she's still okay and now she's fine, for the most part.

"Hey, Jack?"

"Yeah, Nikki?"

Her voice is practically smiling. "I think Casey stole your shoe."

I blink and I look around the wall and see no sign of it. My eyes fall back down to my foot and I see my big toe pop out through a hole in my sock. And when I look out across the field of frostbitten grass towards the parking lot, I see Casey waving my big red Converse above her head like a victory flag with the biggest grin I've seen on her face in quite awhile.

---

"So we're . . . together now?"

"Mmhm," I smile and stir my coffee around with my stirring straw, "unless of course you've changed your mind in these past thirty minutes we've spent together as a couple."

Nikki smiles to herself and quirks an eyebrow. "Oh, definitely. I can't stand you."

"Oh darn," I snap my fingers and wag my head, "that's a shame. I thought we were doing so well."

She lets a warm giggle bubble out of her small frame and she tilts her head to the side and smiles tenderly at me—enough to make me want to melt, even though it's probably ten degrees out here.

"Well, Miss Wilson, I suppose we shall part our separate ways." I bow in her direction and stumble forwards; I'm still missing my shoe.

"Jack, you're going to trip, you goof."

I grin and put my hands on my hips. "But we're parting our separate waaaaays."

"Jack."

"Okay, fine. I guess we can work this all out, even though you're the one who wants us to part." I plop back down next to her smiling, and let my leg bounce. I already feel jittery from the coffee, and I wonder if it's because it's not decaf like we ordered. "I still can't believe she took my shoe." I rub my socked foot against my Converse.

"I'll get it back tonight." She cozies her hands around her Styrofoam coffee cup and shivers.

Gently, I wrap my arm around her waist and she immediately leans against me. We sit like that for a couple minutes until I feel her shift and look up at me.

"You have really pretty eyes."

I raise an eyebrow and gesture to my swollen eye. "Black eyes are pretty attractive, huh?"

Nikki snorts and wags her head against my chest. "Oh yes, they really are. Especially on you."

"I try."

"Jack?"

I look down at her and run my fingers through her hair.

"You've . . . really wanted to be with me all this time?"

My hand stops and my body shifts a little. "Nikki, of course. I mean, you're all I ever thought about last year and I could hardly fall asleep because all I was thinking about was you. And whenever we'd talk on the phone I'd have to sit in my car because I'm so see-through to my parents." I swallow hard and stare down at my coffee. "Whenever you were with Drake I felt so jealous and . . . I dated Casey because I forced myself to think that you hated me, and that I'd never ever have a chance with you, Nikki."

I watch as her eyes widen and she stares up at me, and I know if I stare back for too long I'll probably get lost. Her cheeks are rosy and I watch as a small and timid smile makes its way onto her soft face. "Jack, I could never hate you . . . and I'm so sorry that you felt that way. I really am." She reaches up, gently strokes my jaw and whispers, "I think you're adorable. I've always thought you were. And I think I've liked you ever since the first day we met, but I kept telling myself I didn't because I already had a boyfriend that cared about me."

I can't help it. I stare straight into her eyes.

"But then I realized that I was wrong when I found out that you . . . you actually cared more about me than he ever did." Nikki leans in and kisses my cheek. My stomach flips and my face burns, but I smile so widely and so stupidly.

We sit in silence again and Nikki takes a shy sip of her coffee. "I really missed your smile."

"Hmm?" I tilt my head and look down at her.

"Your smile."

"What about it? Do I have something stuck in my teeth?"

Nikki laughs and scrunches her nose. "No. I missed your smile. I feel like I haven't seen it since . . . last year, actually. It's so goofy."

"My smile's . . . goofy?"

"Yeah, it's pretty goofy. And crooked."

I snort. "It is not."  

"I'm not going to argue about this, Jack. It is." Her head leans against my chest again and I shut up. My hand gently strokes her hair and I hesitantly kiss her forehead. Nikki shivers and looks up at me. I stare back and I pull the biggest and goofiest grin I can before I lean down and kiss her. She laughs softly against my lips and kisses me back.

December 6th, 2008
"So what exactly do I owe you, Casey? You said you'd tell me about it four days ago."

"Hey," Casey just smiles to herself as we walk down the hallway, "just settle down."

I groan irritably. Maybe she'll want me to jump into a frozen lake (oh hell no) or do something equally as stupid, like lighting myself on fire. And, honestly, I'd rather light myself on fire than jump into a frozen lake, but that's just my opinion.

"Okay, you have one chance to show me that not all guys are assholes."

"Wait, what?" I stop walking and a couple people that were behind us bump into me and curse under their breath before moseying their way around.

She exhales and pushes a strand of her auburn hair back behind her ear. "Introduce me to a guy that's . . . decent."

"Decent in . . . what sense?"

"Dating sense maybe. I don't know yet." Casey shrugs and shoots me an honest face.

"Casey," I furrow my eyebrows a little, "you practically know everyone already."

"Well, I guess you'll have fun finding a guy for me then, huh?" She flashes me her braces.

"I don't think this is a very good idea."

Casey crosses her arms and dear god, she pouts. Casey Fletcher is pouting at me like a little girl who wants candy. And, it's not like it's working or anything, but I do owe her.

"Okay, okay, fine. I guess I know one certain guy."

"Who is he?" She almost looks eager.

"My cousin."

Her expression falls and looks serious. "Hell no. No. No, Jack."

"No," I bite my bottom lip a little, "he's not like me, I swear. He's actually really smart and not a stupid clumsy idiot."

Casey stares at me.

"Just give him a chance."

She exhales. "Fine. What's his name then?"

"Uh, well," I hold my breath for a moment in thought, "he mostly goes by Yang."

"Yang?" Casey makes a face. "His name's Yang?"

"No, that's just the name he goes by."

"Okay, then what's his real name?"

"Harper."

Casey makes another face, but this time it looks a little more disturbed. "Harper? Isn't that a girl's name?"

I raise an eyebrow. "Isn't Casey a boy's name?"

"The name Casey, my friend," she stands up straight and tilts her head back matter-of-factly, "is a unisex name, meaning that it can be both a girl's name and a boy's name."

"Well, same goes for Harper."

"That's just dumb though."

I sigh and rake my fingers back through my hair. "I'm sure he'll just love you, Casey."

"He'd better not."

"Isn't that the point though?"

"No," Casey starts walking again, "the point is to show that not all guys are assholes."

Dear god, Casey, sometimes you don't make sense. But I still love that.

---

"So," Nikki spots Yang and Casey from across the cafeteria, "she convinced you to find her a guy that isn't an asshole like you are."

"Hey." I snort. "She actually said that it was to show that there's guys out there that aren't complete assholes, but she didn't say anything about me being an asshole."

"She implied it though," Nikki tilts her head and smiles at me from across the table, "didn't she?"

"That she did." I smile back.

"Well, they look cute together. Or at least I think so anyway." We watch as Casey talks all animatedly with Yang, throwing her arms about and almost talking loud enough so we can hear her. But even if we could, it probably wouldn't make much sense to us.

Yang seems to be enjoying her; he's laughing and running his hand back through his hair all playfully like a geek. Which is good since Casey's a huge geek. It's almost like they balance out. Yang's a lot more serious than Casey is, but it looks like she's bringing out his enthusiastic spaz side, and it's nice to see.

But even though she smiles and she laughs, I know that deep down somewhere she's still upset and so angry at me, and at Nikki too. Casey can cover it up all she wants, but I know it's there poking, and stabbing, and beckoning her to hate me with all her guts. She has every right to hate me, and she knows this, but she won't; she won't show it, and I really wish she would.

"It's almost a little unreal sitting here with you."

Nikki stifles back a giggle. "What do you mean?"

"What I mean is that I never thought we'd end up like this, Nikki. It always crossed my mind, but I never thought it would actually happen."

Very slowly, she reaches her hand across the table and grabs mine gently in hers. "Yeah, me either, but I'm glad it did."

"It just kind of sucks that it happened this way though, huh?"

"Yeah," Nikki smiles softly, "but if anything, I'm just glad to see you like this again, Jack. You always looked so sad."

"I was, but I'm okay now." I return the smile and squeeze her hand in mine. "And I'm glad to see you like this again too."

Nikki flashes me the genuine smile that I've missed all too much.


I'm in love with my best friend.